duccubus
You are Yawner!, probationary member of the Vanguard Guild. You have just transferred whence the Blisbane V.G., after only a week, whither the Felkner V.G., where you’ve now been for the past two weeks. You have been taught how to identify Interlopers, lesser gods who screw with humanity. Taught what beasts slink out of the unknown, where they’re theorized to come from. Taught how to distinguish empathy from manipulation. Now, you’re patrolling the southwest of Felkner, trying to determine if this print was from a giant duck monster, or were some manner of mundane.
It was hard to see the print through your helmet slits. In fact, it was hard to see anything through your helmet. Part of why you were only a probationary member was your refusal to take off your helmet. Your identity must remain a secret.
“Well?” said Joan, in approximately her ever-unamused tone, “what’s the diagnosis, doctor?” She did not sound genuine, as if she were emphasizing her affect. You loved it.
“Hrmph,” you said. Your identity must not be known, therefore you must also slur your speech. It was too late to learn an accent. “It seems,” you bloviated, “that some manner of imprinting device has, indeed, impressed itself unto the earth, yes.” Pause. You wished you could see her expression. “And I do believe,” you said, as you ungloved your hand and traced it along the squishy, marshy edge of the footprint, and paused. “And I do believe,” you muttered to yourself, under your breath, “this is no ordinary duck.”
“Speak up.”
“I said, this is no ordinary duck.”
“So it’s a duck, doctor?”
“Would you describe a 30-foot demon from the pre-Akashic seafoam as an ordinary duck, nurse Joan?”
“Oh, tee, doctor, I don’t know. Maybe if you took that helmet off, I could hear you better, and I could know if I should agree with you or not.”
“There’s no time! I’ll explain everything later! Quickly, now!” You ran off, grabbing her hand, stopping, grabbing your glove, grabbing her hand again, running off.
They were hazing the new guy. You were loving it. Joan was loving it, too, probably. You’re glad she only hated you, not the characters you played.
The two of you dashed into the city proper. Wide cobblestone streets, seven and a half lanes of horses and carriages which was nonetheless congested, a bright blue sky, children laughing and carelessly throwing sticks at eachother, pretending they were wands. You wished you could see any of it. You’d find a better helmet.
You tripped on something you first thought was a loose stone, but no, Felkner didn’t have loose stones. A dog woke up and scampered off underfoot.
“Doctor, be careful!” clamoured Joan. You could hear the slap of her hands against the sides of her face, even above the laughing and wagons. “I know that ever since your wife of 30 years killed herself in front of you because you never improved in bed, you’ve been trying to kill yourself, but doctor, there’s more to life than sex!”
“More to life than sex? Fuh! You sound like my first wife!” You pulled yourself up. “Wait… sex… that’s it! Joan, you’re a genius!”
You saw a bit lip. First to break character loses, regardless of how thin the character was. “Oh yeah,” she eventually said. “How so?”
“Think about it. How could a giant duck wander through a city undetected?”
“Why are a nurse and a doctor investigating a giant duck.”
“Shut upBecause, my dearest Joanathan, it isn’t a giant duck. 30-foot demon. A single footprint in the middle of nowhere. Zero eyewitness testimony. Metal flakes matching the guild’s giant webbed foot press. It all fits. We’re not dealing with a duck, my nascent nurse, we’re dealing with a succubus!”
“Nascent.”
“It means up and coming.”
“I know what it means. But, doctor, forgive my nascent ignorance, but I’m, I’m not seeing the connection there. I’m so dumb! Could you please explain it to me?”
“But of course, my, uh, /n/, uh, /dʒ/, uh.” You were failing to generate a nickname.
“What? Take that mask off.”
“M’lady of medicine. You see: succubus comes in, wanting to, uh, succubus-as-a-verb.”
“Consume the souls of man.”
“Aw, consume souls, I thought they just nibbled them a bit.”
“Let’s get out of the street.” She led you to the side. “It’s unclear, actually. The literature is inconclusive.”
“So succubus wants to consume the souls of man. Succubus is smart. Succubus thinks, a succubus walking around is suspicious. Know what isn’t suspicious? Giant metal duck.”
“Glad we’re on the same page, doctor. But, I thought succubi traveled through dreams?”
But you were on a roll, and rejected a yes-and. “The metal part is for natural, nonmagical invisibility. If the light refracts in just the right way, no one will be able to see it, even if it were in the center of town. The duck part is for flight.”
“Where is it right now, doctor?”
You pointed straight up. “It’s right above us.”
“We’re under a balcony.”
“It’s right above the balcony. There’s only one person I know who can brave the skies and find this metalloid monstrosity.”
“Uh. Who?”
“Her Highness Princess Anisa Scarlet Day.”
“Nope. Nope nope nope.”
“Aw, it’d be great to see her squirm, though.”
“Do you think a Vanguardist can just get a meeting with her whenever he wants?”
“When a duccubus is threatening the city, yes.”
“It isn’t really threatening the city, it’s just floating around up there.”
“Mmm.”
“Why don’t we call her when it lands. I think we’ve done enough investigating for one day.”
You did not agree. You could do this forever. These had been the best two weeks of your life.
We were caught by a guard while shopping for a duck and silver paint, despite breaking no laws.
“Where the hell have you been?” said a man in a dark blue uniform and helmet, marching over to them self-importantly.
“Hunting a duck,” you said, and were completely ignored.
“Joan, get the hell back to the Vanguard hall, Samantha just tried hanging herself and setting herself on fire.”
Ha ha. Ha ha ha.
“Oh god,” said Joan.
Ha ha. Your throat constricted, further than your vision. “Is,” you gasped, “is she okay?”
“They don’t know, Joan, go!”
Too late, Samsara, too late. I, you, don’t care anymore.