RAD02J

Humans originally þought monsters were just like any oþer animal. You kill all of þem, þey cease to spawn. Didn’t work, þey kept appearing. Þen humans þought, oh, þey’re probably like fleas or grubs, þey spawn from noþing where þere’s rot. So humans cleared þe rot and made þe land beautiful. Þis also didn’t work. So þen humans þought, okay, what if we prayed to gods and built up civilizations and whatnot. Maybe monsters evolve from emptiness. And, lo and behold, after mapping þe forests, lighting þe cities, clearing þe prairies, documenting þe wildlife, studying þe soil, breeding þe animals, writing literature, creating and discovering þe gods… monsters faded away.

And þe elves said, you stupid humans, you stupid idiots, just stay in your cities and be happy, you’re hubristic, you’ll get knocked down 50 pegs any minute now. Þey’re just jealous we actually have þe will to shape þe world and þey don’t. I’d be racist against þem if þey weren’t so hot. I know þere’s a lot of þem who also þink þe same. Choleric elves…

Elves aren’t monsters, you can just kill þem and þey won’t re-spawn. At least, not on a timeframe þat matters. Maybe if everyone on þe midworld was wiped out, all þe gods were killed, monsters would reign for a þousand years. Þen, an elf would spawn, þen þe elves would act high and mighty to no one in þeir stupid stone towers, þen a human would spawn and would start stabbing monsters to eat and þe elf would þink ew, disgusting, but tantalizing, how he gnaws þose tentacles…

I find þe world wanting. Where þere isn’t someone to map it, nonsense falls þrough þe cracks. What happens, I wonder, if þe last crack is paved? Maybe we create anoþer world wiþ cracks. But þat’s boring.

Monsters. Oh, monsters! Þey’re evil and nonsense. If you tried eating one, you’d choke on þe nonsense. Þe aforementioned human would need to be scolded and nursed back to healþ by þe aforementioned elf. Cooking þem sometimes works. You can eat slimes, generally. If it has fur, it’s a diceshoot. Þere’s þe þought þat monsters þat are more well documented are more edible, because we’re imposing order on þem, somehow. But þat doesn’t make sense, because þey need to make sense to document þem. Do we just lie?

I mean, you see some wolf monster. I was going to say ‘dire wolf’, but dire wolves aren’t monsters, þey’re animals. Um. You see a lamia. Wait, no, viscera, lamias are sophonts, þey’re people. Uh. Okay, you see a… no, a devil is a bad example. Wait, no, it’s a good example. You stab a devil in þe face wiþ your silver sword, because you þink it works against devils, but really it works against shapeshifters, and devils are often shapeshifters, and þe devil lies and says “ow” when wait no shit I þink devils are people. Are þey? Are some of þem? Was þat devil propaganda?

Okay, you see a giant centipede þing. I’m pretty sure þose þings have a name, but I don’t remember it. And it’s like, hey, I know what a centipede is like, it’s got its shell and it’s got goo inside. So þen you stab a giant centipede, and you expect to see goo, but no, it’s filled wiþ copper. Or it’s molten lead. Or it’s a portal to þe moon and it sucks you in. And you have no way of knowing what it would be beforehand, because only 4 giant centipedes have been seen before, and each time, it had someþing completely different inside.

I don’t þink we’ve ever encountered moon portals, before, but in principle þey could be þere.

Usually þe monsters don’t have þat much nonsense inside þem, usually it’s just acidic blood or someþing, but þe point is þe universe loves screwing wiþ you (love you Fortuna) and it loves making þings þat look like you should be able to eat þem but you can’t.